A Day in the Life

Life with three has been, how should I say this … FREAKING INSANE. I mean, I knew it was going to be a little more crazy, but I wasn’t prepared for this level of insanity. It might explain why it has taken me two weeks to get this post typed up. All I keep thinking is that one of the kids doesn’t do anything except sleep, eat, and poo at this point. I thought it would be appropriate to document the early days as a family of 5. I hope that I look back at this one day and laugh at myself. I’m also hoping that I will have figured things out at that point. On the day of this post Anna is 4.5, Luke is 19 days away from turning 3, and Abby is exactly 2 weeks.

Thursday, November 6, 2014:

1:40 – Abby wakes up and wants to eat. Alex changes her diaper and gives her a bottle of pumped milk. I pump and go in and out of sleep. It’s amazing how soothing, yet maddening, a breastpump can be. Anna wakes up, comes into our bed, and quickly falls asleep. I finish pumping, store the milk, and clean everything. I have a hard time falling asleep, so I do what every warm blooded person does and browse Facebook. I end up taking a stupid quiz about what our couple sleep style says about us. I don’t even remember what the result was.

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5:15 –  Abby is up again. I get up and change her diaper and put her back in her Wombie swaddle. She reminds me of the sucker fish that clings to the side of the tank while she’s eating in that thing. I attempt to nurse her. She refuses (being a preemie, she doesn’t have enough energy to get all of her feeding from nursing, so I have to pump and give supplemented milk or formula. Getting it from a bottle is much easier than from the boob, so she has been refusing to nurse.). I feed her a bottle of pumped milk. I had gotten all set up to feed her and realized that I forgot my phone by the bed. Boo.

5:45 – abby is fed and back asleep. I’m back on the hooter hoses. Alex’s alarm goes off, he gets up to get ready for work. Anna wakes up. I look up to see Luke walking into my room. The older two run around while I finish and Alex gets ready. I change Luke’s diaper.

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6:20 – Anna, Luke, and Alex head downstairs with the dogs. Alex fixes them breakfast and feeds the dogs. I grow an extra arm and bring the dirty bottles, cooler, breastmilk, clean bottles and Abby down. Abby goes in the Mamaroo. Anyone who is looking into swings – buy a Mamaroo. That thing is AH-MAZING. I rinse the bottles and put the milk in the fridge. I make a soda (caffeine is a must these days) and a bowl of cereal. I let Ethel in because she is small enough to squeeze through the fence and runs into our neighbors house through their dog door. Lucy stays outside (even though she barks) because she eats the kids food from the table. Sorry neighbors.

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6:45 – The kids are done so I wipe them down and try to choke down the rest of my breakfast. Luke let’s Lucy in. She immediately tries to eat off the table and then notices that the powder room door is open (all you can eat buffet in the trash can). I chase both dogs around to get the diaper and paper that they have found before it becomes a bigger mess. I swear they purposely try to do things to make me crazy. The dogs are on my last nerve lately. I turn on some cartoons.

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6:50 – Luke decides that he needs to go pee in the potty, so he goes into the powder room and takes his diaper off. Nothing comes out. He leaves the powder room with the door open when he leaves. The dogs attempt to eat trash again. I finish my breakfast and clean up all the dishes. The kids are in the living room playing and looking at Abby. Abby is sound asleep. I told you, the Mamaroo is magical.

7:00 – I try to look through a pile of mail. Bills needs to be paid (I’ll be putting that off for later). Luke asks for a cup of water. I fix it and go back to looking at the mail. Anna requests a glass of water. I stop what I’m doing and fix it. She decides she really isn’t thirsty after all. Instead they get into a fight over a Spiderman doll. I attempt to use the potty and end up with two kids, a dog, and the Spiderman doll in there with me.

7:15 – Out of my better judgement, I decide that I’m going to attempt some pictures of all three kids. Abby is quickly leaving the ‘newborn window’ that’s best for getting those early pictures so I’ve been trying to squeeze in all the shots that I wanted to get. It’s always a miserable experience because the kids of photographers are the worst to take pictures of. Plus, my patience is majorly lacking as of late. I get everything arranged in the studio and after multiple attempts of getting the kids to sit still and calm down, I eventually get enough images that I think I can composite one good image together. I then lose all sense of reasoning and decide to do another pose on my bed. My plan was to recreate our announcement picture that was on our bed with our dogs. So, I tote everything and Abby upstairs and get it all set up. I pose the older kids and dogs.

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8:30 – Everyone is ready and as I put Abby into place, she gets hungry. The dogs scatter. I nurse on right side while Anna and Luke play ‘Chuck E Cheese’ with a coin in my bathroom. Why do we even buy them toys?

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9:15 – Abby seems content for a bit, so I get everyone posed on the bed again. I snap a few shots. I’m not super happy with them or the lighting, but it’s going to have to work. The kids lose it and I’m at my breaking point. Anna and Luke are sent to their rooms to cool off which isn’t really a punishment because their rooms are filled with toys. I take the opportunity to give Abby a quick bath.

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9:30 – Abby is cleaned, lotioned, and dressed. I go downstairs to give her a bottle. The older kids are allowed out of their rooms and they both apologize (I question their sincerity). Anna is wearing a bikini and Luke has a pair of undies over his diaper. Abby finishes eating and is passed out in the Mamaroo again.

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10:00 – Time to pump. I feel like my boobs are constantly out right now. Anna and Luke run around and play on the 1st floor with one another. It’s only a matter of time before it turns into fighting. I try to decide if I’m going to take them somewhere to play since they haven’t been listening all morning. Not leaving the house means they will be horrible this evening (and therefore punishing me), but leaving is rewarding them for their bad behavior. I really need Nanny 911 on speed dial.

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10:10 – Anna and Luke are in time out.

10:20 – I’m done with the boob tubes. I store the milk and clean everything. Luke decides he needs to use the potty again (he wants the jellybean reward more than he actually wants to be potty trained). He gets 4 jelly beans if he poops on the potty, so he attempts to squeeze one out in hopes of a bigger bounty. He poops all over the potty seat and himself. Poop is smeared everywhere. I clean all of that up and wash everyone’s hands. The older kids want a snack. Anna eats an apple. Luke eats a banana. He throws a monster fit when I pull a piece of the banana out of the peel. He likes to eat it from the peel. I put ice packs on my boobs and eat some chips in hiding. Over my dead body am I sharing right now. Time feels like it’s going in reverse today.

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10:45 – Anna is finished with her apple. She throws the core away but keeps one seed because she wants to grow an apple tree in our garden. We don’t have a garden, so I tell her that we will talk about it in the Spring. She wants to wash it first and she accidentally drops the seed goes down the drain. She makes me promise that I will wash the next seed so it doesn’t get lost.

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10:45 – They decide it’s time to color so I set them up at the table. I use the time to do the dishes since my secret chips are gone.

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11:10 – Anna asks me to color with her. So, I use it as an excuse to stop cleaning and color with her and Luke. They are thrilled. Anna has been really into coloring and drawing lately.

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11:20 – Luke is using the crayons as darts instead of actually coloring. I give him a warning. He continues to throw the crayons so I take them away and tell him to go play something else. He throws himself on the ground into a monster fit. God, I love this age. It’s the best…

11:45 – I finish my picture (it might be my best work to date) so I tell Anna that I have to get a few things done. I head upstairs and pick up my bedroom and Abby’s room. Anna and Luke make their way upstairs and ‘help ‘ with Abby’s room. I upload the pictures I took this morning to my harddrives. The last thing I want is to lose the files after putting all that work into them.

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12:00 – It’s time for lunch. I make PB&J for Anna and Luke with oranges and string cheese. I throw together some nachos with leftovers for myself. Both of them steal some of mine. Luke eats his entire PB&J and half of Anna’s. He asks for another cup of milk after I get everything wiped up and the dishes in the dishwasher. I swear the kid has a tapeworm sometimes. Anna eats a few bites and declares that she is full. Her piggy does a bit better, however.

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12:30 – It’s been three hours since Abby has eaten. She’s still sleeping, so I have to wake her up to eat. Preemies tend to sleep through feedings, so it’s important that we wake her to make sure she gets enough calories in a day. I change her diaper while Luke gives her a check up with his stethoscope. Abby shoots poo all over the couch mid diaper change. Thank the Lord for leather couches. I wipe it down. Abby nurses on the left side. Luke’s milk cup spills all over the place. Anna sneaks upstairs and gets a bottle of lotion. The older two rub lotion all over themselves (including their hair). They look like greased pigs. Part of me thinks it’s funny. Part of me is upset because I know that I need to give them baths now.

1 – Abby is burped and switched to right side. Anna has disappeared upstairs. I yell up to her to see what she is doing. She claims that she is cleaning up her room. I have my doubts, but can’t investigate at that point. Luke rolls around on the activity mat before heading upstairs to ‘clean’ with Anna.

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1:25 – Abby is done nursing but still takes 2 ounces by bottle.

1:35 – I hear screaming and tears from upstairs. From their exchanges, I can tell that Anna hit Luke. He comes to tattle and has a bow in his hair. I’m still feeding Abby, so I can’t help at that point. He fearlessly goes back up.

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1:45 – Abby is all done, burped, and passed out from being milk drunk. I hear a loud crash from Anna’s room. I go up to find them in her bathroom playing with a big cup of water. There’s water everywhere. I’m not happy about it because we are constantly telling Anna to not play with water in her room. Abby goes in the Rock N Play in my room. I take Luke to his room and change his diaper because he’s pooped. I put him in his bed for a nap. Anna is told to stay in her room for a while to rest with explicit instructions to not play with the water in her bathroom. I have to freaking pump again. Anna keeps popping into my room as if nothing has happened. I keep telling her to go to hers. I’m ready to lose my mind at this point.

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2:30 – Milk machine is done and parts are cleaned. I’ve showered, dressed, and finally brushed my teeth. The fact that I was able to shower is a small miracle in itself. It occurs to me that Anna and Luke haven’t brushed their teeth today. I’m exhausted. I check on Anna (it’s been a bit since she tried to weasel her way into my room) and find her in her bathroom, you guessed it, playing in the freaking water. She knows she was caught, but doesn’t seem to care. I inform her that she has lost afternoon TV time (it’s extremely rare that she will nap these days, so she typically hangs out downstairs while Luke naps). She is to remain in her room. I lay in my bed and attempt to somewhat rest with Abby in the Rock N Play next to me. Is it 5pm yet?

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4:00 – Abby wakes up and is hungry. Anna fell asleep (apparently not listening to your mom is exhausting) and Luke is still down. Maybe the rest will help their attitude?!? I napped for about an hour and feel like a brand new person. Maybe I will make it through this day after all! I change Abby’s diaper and attempt to nurse in the chair in her room – look at me mixing things up. She refuses to latch so I give her a bottle of pumped milk. Whe she’s done, we cuddle for a while since the older two are still sleeping.

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4:40 – Abby decides she’s still hungry and starts rooting again. I try nurse and she actually latches. It’s a small victory.

4:45- Everyone is up and Luke is mad. They take turns sitting on my lap as I continue to nurse Abby. Luke drinks some water and seems to calm down. Alex calls and says he’s on his way home. Praise the lord!

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5:00 – Abby is done nursing and seems satisfied for at least a little while. Alex is home to rescue my sanity. Anna is complaining about the backs of her legs itching. I put some cream on them and notice that she has a little rash. No clue where that came from. Anna asks about going to the spaghetti place (which is Pasta House for those of you that don’t speak 4 year old). We cave because neither if us feel like cooking. Alex changes clothes and we get Anna and Luke dressed in something other than underwear and swimsuits. Alex and Luke feed the dogs and let them outside. I get Abby and the diaper bag ready to go.

5:45 – We arrive at Pasta House. It’s the first time eating out as a family of five. After the day we’ve had, the kids did amazing at dinner! It was so refreshing.

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6:45 – We are back home. Alex goes upstairs to change into PJs. He gets the older kids into PJs while I jump back on the hooter hoses. Anna and Luke get a piece of candy for eating a good dinner. Those two can put down some spaghetti.

7:15 – I’m done pumping so I store the milk and clean the parts. Ice packs go back on the ole boobies. Kids are watching Bubble Guppies. Luke is on a sugar bender from the candy. I check the mail and see that my new phone case has arrived. My phone went missing after an unfortunate shoe shopping trip. I accidentally left it on a bench and some asshole stole it. So, I had to get a new phone (thank god for insurance) and a new Otterbox for it. I open the case and am confused by the color. I didn’t think it was what I had ordered. Knowing that I was on Amazon half asleep ordering the case a few days ago, I checked the order in my email. Turns out I did order that color, but didn’t realize it at the time. I guess grey and lime green aren’t all that bad.

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7:30 – Alex takes Anna and Luke to bed. He brushes their teeth for the first time that day. Their teeth won’t rot from missing one brushing, right? At least they have another set that will come in. The baby set is just a practice set… It’s time for Abby to eat. I wake her up and change her diaper. Alex feeds a bottle to her and Abby falls asleep on his chest once she’s done. I go into my studio and edit a few pictures. I really need to edit vacation pictures and the rest of Abby’s newborn pictures.

8:45 – Alex and I relax on the couch. We watch the latest Criminal Minds while I browse Christmas cards and birth announcements online. Decisions, decisions. I heat my boob packs and apply. Oh, my aching nips.

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10 – Abby is hungry. I change her diaper and nurse each side. Alex assembles the bottles for the night and carries them, the pump supplies, and a cooler with pumped milk upstairs.

10:30 – Abby is done nursing, so Alex takes her upstairs to swaddle (welcome back, suckerfish) and feeds her bottle. I check on the older kids (how old are they when you stop checking to make sure they are still breathing) and then pump. Abby is topped off and is grunting and groaning like a little piglet in the Rock N Play. Alex gets himself ready for bed and lays down. I listen to my pump talk to me. Anyone who has pumped before knows what I’m talking about. Mine keeps saying ‘you’re a star’. Affirmations from the milk machine.

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11:10 – I’m all done, milk is stored, parts are clean, and I’m in bed. I should go straight to sleep, but I screw around on Facebook and Google random things. I’m mentally going over my plans for the next day and trying to figure out how to handle three kids without constantly yelling. Trying to sort through some major mom guilt for yelling at the kids quite a bit. My eyes start to get heavy and I start doing long blinks. Abby is still fussing a little bit. I think her tummy is too full. She eventually calms down and goes to sleep.

11:30 – I plug my phone in and close my eyes. I’m asleep as soon as my eyes close.

2 – Abby is crying. Time to feed her and start the day again.

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A Day in the Life

Right now, I’m living the dream. Let me emphasize – LIVING THE FREAKING DREAM.  On the day of this post, I am 36 week pregnant with #3.  I’ve been on bedrest in some form for 7 weeks now.  Initially it was due to me having too many contractions. Now it’s because my blood pressure has been rising.  I’ve made several trips to labor and delivery already and won’t be surprised if I end up there a couple more times before the big day.  I went to my OB’s office on Monday and my blood pressure was 162/110 (I’ve developed pre-eclampsia, so my blood pressure will continue to rise until I deliver. No amount of relaxing or being calm with lower it, it’s just how my body responds to being pregnant. Medicine can help and I’ve been taking that for a couple weeks now. The only ‘fix’ is having the baby.) and I’ve had this headache for a week now that won’t go away.  After doing the rest of his checks, he sent met to good old labor and delivery to be monitored.  He told me that based on the results, he was either inducing me or admitting me.  It was a bit intense.  Turns out that even though my pressure is high when sitting up, it lowers enough when I’m laying down that my doctor is comfortable with it for the time being.  My blood work and fluid level was good and the baby looked good on the monitor.  There was no medical reason to induce at 35 weeks, so the solution was to send me home sticking to strict bedrest and close monitoring by both of my doctors. The goal is to make it to 37 weeks and then induce if I don’t go into labor on my own before then. I’m exactly 36 weeks today, which is when I delivered Luke. If I make it to midnight, it will be the longest I’ve ever been pregnant.

So, I’m at home with orders to lay around all day long. I’m not even allowed to drive my kids to school. It sounds super sexy, but it’s miserable. Like, incredibly miserable. I’ve been benched for almost two months of my year. TWO MONTHS, people. Time doesn’t stop because I can’t do things, especially when you have kids. They have had a difficult time handling it. On top of all the end of pregnancy aches and pains, my headache has been pretty constant for a week.  I was given percocet with instructions to use that to control the headache, but who wants to be a narc daze all the time? I certainly don’t. The high blood pressure makes me feel overall crappy. It almost feels like I have the flu. I’m dizzy and rundown. My entire body just feels off. My hands and feet are really swollen and itchy. Plus, I’ve had all the signs of early labor – baby has dropped, I have a backache, cramping, increased contractions, lost the old mucus plug (go ahead and swallow the throw up in your mouth), and so on. See, I’m miserable. And if you ask Alex, I’m being a bit of a bitch. I apologize to no one right now. NO ONE. Anyway, without further ado, here’s how my day looked:

October 22, 2014: 

2:30 am – I wake up to potty. It’s pretty standard at this point. I potty and make my way back to bed. It takes some moving and grunting to get comfortable. It happens and I’m able to fall asleep pretty quickly.

5:09 am – Up again to potty.  I lay back down and realize that I’m having some contractions. So, I time them for a while. They aren’t consistent and eventually die off. My headache is back. Lovely.

5:45 am – Anna makes her way into our bed and immediately cuddles up with Alex. Fine by me. I don’t want to disrupt my pillow arrangement anyway.

6:30 am – Alex is up, showered, and dressed for work.  He feeds the dogs and lets them out to potty.  Anna makes her way downstairs.  The TV comes on and Alex fixes her a bowl of cereal and leaves for work. I get up and pull some clothes on. Actually, I hobble around trying to put my pants on without tipping over. I brush my teeth and puke in the sink. I manage to not pee my pants while heaving, so I add that to the win column. I grab clothes for the kids and head downstairs.

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6:50 am – Anna is eating cereal at the kitchen table. I make a bowl for myself and join her. She wants to ‘share’ which really means that she wants to eat my cereal. I give in.

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7:00 am – Luke putters downstairs and immediately start asking for milk. He then requests chocolate donuts. I give him both because they are easy and he’s now happy and quiet. No judging, people. These are desperate times we are living in.

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7:30 am – I plant myself on the couch and get the kids dressed. They somewhat listen, and we manage to get it done.

7:35 am – My mom arrives to help out. She gets their lunches packed, brushes their teeth, and plays with the kids for a bit. For anyone who doesn’t appreciate your mother, I should kick you in the throat. I should, but I can’t get my leg that high right now. I take a potty break.

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8:30 am – Mom leaves to drop the kids off at school. I park myself on the couch and turn on an episode of The People’s Couch. It’s a show where you watch people watch TV. It sounds crazy, but it’s hilarious. Seriously – it’s my new favorite show. I crack open the laptop to work on some emails to clients and to send in a print order.  I take another potty break.

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9:30 am – My mom is back (she brought me a tea) and is not that impressed with The People’s Couch. She obviously doesn’t know what’s funny. I turn on the end of Kelly and Michael and then take another potty break. Mom proceeds to clean out her purse.

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10:00 am – Kelly and Michael is over. I’m still working on my laptop, so I turn on an episode of Criminal Minds. I love Criminal Minds, but it’s making me think that we are all destined to be murdered or abducted. I’m paranoid enough being a parent, these crime shows just totally get inside my head. We’ve been watching quite a bit of them lately, so that may have something to do with it. My mom snaps green beans. I use the potty again.

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11:00 am – Criminal Minds is over. My mom pretends to not like it, but I know she secretly does. You’re welcome, Mom. I turn on The Price is Right. It’s not the same without Bob, but what can you do? I take the time to clip my finger nails. Glad I was able to squeeze that into my busy schedule. The tea hits me and I pee three times in 20 minutes.

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11:30 am – My work is done on my laptop, so I change things up a bit and start a crossword puzzle. It’s getting crazy in here!

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11:40 am – I take another potty break and watch my mom vacuum most of the first floor. I’ve been sitting around watching the dirt pile up on the floor and it’s been driving me batty because I can’t fix it. So, Mom steps in and gets it done. I instantly feel calmer. Moms rule.

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12:00 pm – Alex comes home for lunch. He works really close to our house, so we eat lunch together most days. He asks me more than a handful of times if I’m having contractions.

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12:15 pm – Mom heads to pick up Luke a bit early from his school. He has a hearing test that we didn’t want to reschedule.

12:45 pm – Alex heads back to work and I go potty again. I let the dogs out to potty too. Potty breaks all around! I go back to my most pressing concern, my crossword puzzle.

1:30 pm – I’m a total badass and complete the entire crossword puzzle. Boom. I waddle upstairs and take a shower. I put on clean clothes – yoga pants and a shirt. Why get fancy? Heck, I didn’t even wear underwear yesterday. Remember, we aren’t judging right now.

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2:00 pm – I’m back on the couch. Surprise, surprise. Mom called to let me know that Luke passed his hearing test (awesome sauce) and that they are headed home. I closed my eyes for a bit while I waited for them.

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2:20 pm – They are back. Luke fell asleep in the car, so Mom carries him to me and lays him down to cuddle on the couch with me. I squeeze on my boy and smell his hair. It’s equal parts sweet and dirty – exactly how you expect a boy to smell. I close my eyes. Mom puts the green beans on the stove, cleans some smudges off the back slider and around the front door, and then vacuums the floor in the kitchen.

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3:15 pm – Luke starts stirring and wakes up. He instantly wants a cup of milk. Mom brings him some and he downs it within seconds. He then demands that I take his pants and shirt off. The kid refuses to wear clothes at home.

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3:30 pm – Mom heads out to pick Anna up from school. Luke requests to watch Bubble Guppies. I turn the stupid TV back on (I’m totally over TV at this point) and pull up an episode of Bubble Guppies. I play on my phone for a while while Luke learns invaluable life lessons.

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4:00 pm – Mom is back home with Anna. Anna fell asleep in the car as well, so she is also carried in and finishes her nap on the couch. I take another potty break.

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4:15 pm – One of our sweet neighbors pops in to drop off food for dinner. We have the best friends, family, and neighbors. Being out of commission for 7 weeks has been really hard on everyone, so having people help out has been a lifesaver. I’m not sure how we would have gotten through without people helping us. I’m not trying to be dramatic. We literally would have fallen apart at the seams.

4:30 pm – Mom spends some serious playtime with Luke.  First they sword fight and then they roll a ball back and forth on the floor. I go potty … again.

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4:50 pm – Alex walks in through the garage door, he feeds the dogs, changes his clothes, and then relaxes on the couch. Anna wakes up and eats an apple.

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5:30 pm – Luke decides that he needs to go potty on the toilet, so he takes himself into the bathroom and drops this undies and diaper. Alex finds him sitting on the toilet putting tiny pieces of toilet paper in the bowl. Luke gets up, so I go in to use the potty again. Alex finishes getting dinner ready.

5:40 pm – For some reason, I’m not hungry. I can feel that my blood pressure has gotten high, so I lay on the couch while my family eats dinner.

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6:00 pm – Dinner is done. Alex gets the kids ready and goes outside to play. Shortly after, they come tromping back in because it’s too cold to play outside. Luke is being really fussy.  Two/almost three is such a fun age (can you detect the sarcasm??). They head to the basement and I stay laying on the couch.

6:45 pm – A major fight breaks out in the playroom.  It started with Luke kicking Anna’s dollhouse.  It ended with Anna on top of Luke punching him on his back. Major disciplining ensued and more crying happened. Maybe one day they will get along. Right?? Alex makes them hug it out and then marches them upstairs to immediately go to bed. They lost story time as one of their punishments.

7:00 pm – The kids are in their rooms. Alex and I are laying on the couch (story of my life). We talk about renting a movie. He finishes watching one of his stupid car shows. Anna tries to weasel her way downstairs. I stop her in her tracks and make her go back upstairs.

7:27 pm – We decide to rend Million Dollar Arm. Since the Cardinals aren’t in the World Series and we don’t have baseball to watch, the next best thing is watching a movie about baseball. I only had to potty twice during the movie and Anna only tried once more to come downstairs. Not too shabby.

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9:18 pm – My contractions start up again. I start timing them thinking this might be the start of something. It wasn’t. The taper off yet again.

9:30 pm – The movie is over. Great movie – you should watch it! Alex clicks over to see what’s happening with Game 2 of the World Series. Not that I’m rooting for the Royals, but it makes me happy to see them creaming the Giants. I can’t stand those f-ers.

9:45 pm – Alex is tired and decides to go up to bed.  I’m not tired – most likely due to the fact that I haven’t expended any energy during the day. See, bedrest sounds fabulous until you realize that it totally screws you up. I turn on a recorded episode of Ellen.

9:50 pm – Ellen cuts off because of a special news report. I am really over TV right now, but it still annoys me.

9:55 pm – Ellen resumes. I watch the rest of the episode while I finish up this post.

10:45 pm – Ellen is over so I turn off the TV for the night. (Until we meet again tomorrow, old friend). I make my way upstairs, brush my teeth without incident, and crawl into bed. I have a full day of laying around tomorrow so I need my rest. I also know that I will be up every 2 hours to potty during the night, so it’s probably best to get an early start with it. On the upside, it looks like this will be my longest pregnancy so all this crap seems to be worth it.

The time when missionaries were talking to me about God and my son flashed them

About a week after Luke was born (note: that was over 2.5 years ago), the doorbell rang while I was trying to balance my new life with a toddler and a newborn.  It was chaotic.  So, I answer the door and these two little, old ladies were standing there smiling at me.  They asked if I had a minute to talk about Christ.  Now, we go to church and are Christians so I didn’t feel like I needed to have a conversation with them on the topic.  But, I am absolutely horrible at saying no to people.  It’s my Achilles heel – I literally can’t tell people no.  So, these sweet ladies were asking me if they could talk to me about Christ and in the midst of the chaos I said ‘yes’.  Biggest mistake ever.

The ladies spent about 20 minutes talking to me.   My house was melting down around me – the baby was waking up and Anna was running around like a crazy person.  They prayed over me and then went on their way.  Before they left, they asked if it would be okay for them to stop by again. Again (because I have no self control) I said, yes.  Dammit, Lisa.  Dammit.

I decided that since I couldn’t say no to these ladies, I would just avoid them.  And my plan worked like a charm for 2.5 years.  I skillfully avoided them.  I would hide in the house and keep the kids quiet when they rang the bell.  Once Alex answered when he was home alone.  They prayed over him and read him scriptures.  Another time my sister-in-law was here watching the kids and the ladies showed up.  She was prayed over too.  Another time Alex answered the door and I hid behind a wall in our living room so they couldn’t see me.  He wasn’t happy that I hung him out to dry with ‘my friends’.  Alex eventually got over it.  My avoidance was legendary.  Legend-ary.

Fast forward to this week.  I was upstairs trying to get our family packed for our beach vacation.  The kids were running around the house destroying everything they touched and screaming so loud that they set off our doorbell (it’s frequency activated and setting it off is one of their favorite things to do).  Luke was launching himself off the coffee table onto the couch and then rolling off the couch onto a pile of cushions.  The dogs were running around chewing on crap and getting into the messes that the kids were making.  Anna was wearing a princess dress and toddler hooker heals.  Luke was rocking a PJ shirt, underwear, and goggles.  All-in-all, it was a typical weekday.

The actual doorbell rings (non-screaming induced) and I hear the dogs barking.  I yell for Anna to not open the door because I don’t know who it is and I don’t want any creepers creeping on us.  Creepers.  She runs into the kitchen.  By the time I get downstairs, Luke is standing next to the door and looking out through the sidelights.  I yell for the dogs to go outside because they like to welcome visitors by jumping into their arms.  It’s cute, unless you are an 90 pound golden retriever and a 10 pound shih tzu that pees a little when she meets new people.  I get the dogs outside and head back to the front door.  I open it and find my two old lady missionary friends staring at me.  Mother trucker, there goes my run.  They were so excited to finally connect with me.  Afterall, they’ve been stopping by every 2-3 months for 2.5 years.  They are persistent, I’ll give them that.

Luke’s standing next to me as the ladies read through their pamphlet with me.  They then open their bible and read some verses.  The whole time, Luke is standing next to me talking to the ladies.  After that they close in prayer and pray over myself and Luke.  The little old ladies then proceed to make small talk with me and Luke until they decide to head back to their car.  I close the door and look down at Luke and see the head of his Johnson looking at me.  It was sticking out of his underwear.  For those of you that aren’t familiar with how boy undies work, there’s a slit in them where they can access their goods to go potty (because, you know, pulling them down is just WAY too much work).  Well, Luke likes to use that slit to poke his penis out for full access.  Read: open season for groping, pulling, and touching his pee pee on things.   So, while these old ladies were discussing God with us Luke was standing there in a shirt, goggles, and undies with just the head of his wee wee hanging out like a turtle poking his head out of the shell.  No wonder they prayed extra hard for us.  I’d like to think that this might reduce the number of visits they make, but a part of me believes they think I need extra help.  Lord help us all when they show up on my doorstep next week.

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Soak it up, ladies!

Now Taking Babysitting Inquiries

The other day, my sister and brother-in-law needed some help with kid coverage.  So, I offered to help.  I figured it would be easy enough because their oldest would be at school and Luke would be at his classes at Moog.  Anna and my nephew, Sam, are 7 months apart and play well together.  Piece of cake, I thought.  Famous last words…

It all started out innocently enough.  The pair played with toys on the main level of my sister’s house.  Then, they moved upstairs to play ‘sleep’.  Each of them took turns pretending to sleep in a bed.  Then they took turns sleeping in the same bed.  They were loving it.  When that got old, they moved back to the main level to watch an episode of ‘Paw Patrol’.  That’s a fave among those two.  Our playdate was winding down when they decided to go to the playroom in the basement.  Now, I’ve been to the playroom at my sister’s house. I knew it was fine for them to play by themselves.  That’s what we always do when we are over there.  So, off they went – bounding down the stairs – to happily play in the playroom.

My brother-in-law returns home about 30 minutes later.  Anna comes to the main level and I notice something green all over her pants, face, and hands.  Sam came up holding a pair of child scissors.  I took the scissors from Sam and ask her what was all over her, knowing that it’s probably a marker.  I then ask her what she was drawing on, saying a silent but fierce prayer that it was on paper.  We all know that Anna can be quite the little artist.  Fearfully, I headed downstairs with my brother-in-law.  Sure enough, there was markers and crayons all over the walls.  I mean, everywhere.  I was mortified.  It’s one thing for my child to draw or paint on my walls.  It’s another thing for her and her cousin to do it to someone else’s home.  As it turns out, my sister recently decided to put craft supplies out on the playroom table to help foster creativity.  Job well done, I’d say.

I profusely apologized and told my brother-in-law that we’d help him clean the walls and repaint as we were heading out the door to pick up Luke.  As I was buckling Anna in her seat, I noticed some hair that was down by the bottom buckle.  It seemed strange because her hair isn’t long enough to reach.  I tugged on the hair, and to my amazement, one lock of curls pulled away with my hand.  I gasped.  About an hour later, I received a picture text from my brother-in-law.  As he was surveying the damage, he noticed a lone curl laying on the floor.  Does this count as Anna’s first haircut?

An eye for an eye, right?  Or perhaps a wall for a handful of hair?  Either way, I’m taking all inquiries for babysitting.  I promise I’m responsible, at least mostly responsible.  Sister – do we want to put the next sitting gig on the calendar now?  Or should we wait for the new paint to dry on the walls?

Yep. That really happened. No pictures of the walls. I was too horrified to snap pictures.