Anna was hitting the ‘Team Umizoomi’ circuit pretty hard, and all was right in the world. Then, one day as quickly as she decided that she wanted pancakes instead of French toast, she was done with them. She was moving on to other things. Other things, meaning ‘Dora the Explorer’. It took about 2.4 episodes of that annoying little punk for me to get my fill. Dora drives me absolutely insane. Allow me to explain:
12 – Dora condones wandering through unknown places without parental supervision. Where are her parents? Why do they not care that their preschooler is going on ‘adventures’ in the jungle with a wild monkey? Where’s the supervision? Where’s the contact? I know that her parents do exist – her mom home-birthed twins one time. I have a theory that Dora’s parents are also extremely annoyed by her.
11 – The civil engineering in that town irks me. Who builds roads that dead-end at mountains when the library is on the other side? Why are all of the bridges broken, or nonexistent? Who builds a school that can only be reached by bus, boat, and train? Someone needs to apply for some grants to fix this shit and the public works department needs a re-org.
10 – Dora has the most unfortunate wardrobe choices. She never matches, and there’s no way Dora’s 12 month shirt is long enough for her 2T body. And, there’s no chance in hell that it’s squeezing over her 4T head. Plus, who wears all white shoes to go running through the forest?
9 – Is there a reason that no one seems to be able to contain Swiper? There’s enough video evidence of that little klepto stealing stuff that he should be in jail somewhere. Knowing the town they live in, there’s no actual way of getting to the jail – the bridge is probably broken or something. Plus, why do you have to yell ‘Swiper no swiping’ three times? Why can’t it just be once? And why does Swiper always smugly laughing when he does swipe something before throwing it somewhere where ‘they will never get it again’. He’s obviously stealing for pleasure, probably due to some deep seeded emotional issues.
8 – Dora will ask a question and then stand there staring (and blinking) at you waiting for you to answer. It’s awkward and makes me feel uncomfortable. It feels like she’s watching us instead of us watching her. Should I answer her? Should I sit there awkwardly while she blinks at me? I’ve asked Anna if she’s going to help Dora with whatever question is presented. Anna kind of rolls her eyes and says, ‘No, Mom. She’s in the TV. I can’t help her.’ Clearly Anna is the smartest one of all of us.
7 – She’s always looking at you asking where something is, and the whatever she is asking about is always right behind her. I want to slap her and say, ‘LOOK WITH YOUR EYES, YOU LITTLE SHIT!’ If Dora would take a second and actually look around, instead of annoyingly asking you where something is, the show would take half the time and I might still have a shred of sanity.
6 – Dora’s backpack magically contains everything from scuba gear to vacuum cleaners. Anna thinks that all bags should magically contain everything you could possibly need. This includes my purse. While my purse contains more items than I’d like to comment on, there’s no way I can compete with Dora’s magic. And I draw the line at lugging around a vacuum cleaner in my purse.
5 – I’m constantly breaking out into the ‘We Did It’ song in my head when something is accomplished. It pisses me off. The other day, as I was trying to round-up the troops to leave the house, I yelled ‘Vamonos!’. And then I cried a little.
4 – Dora has a serious lack of manners. Would it kill her to say, ‘Say map, PLEASE?’ I blame the total lack of parenting and the fact that her best friend is a monkey.
3 – Map seems to be an old man. I find it ironic that a man is giving any directions at all. Or, maybe that’s why Dora always finds herself in ass-backward situations. Serves her right.
2 – Dora’s tone is so whiney and patronizing, it makes me want to rip my own eyes out. The last thing I want is for my kids to think it’s protocol for whining to get what you want and to talk to everyone like they are idiots. When Dora slows down her speech for us, it doesn’t make me want to help her. It makes me want to push her off a cliff.
1 – She’s always screaming. A little info for you, Dora – there’s no way in hell that I will learn Spanish when you are screaming it at me. It hurts my ears (or scares my ears, as Anna would say) and makes me want to reach into the TV and punch you in the throat. There’s a ton of volume going on at my house. The last thing I need is some orphaned jungle explorer and her monkey yelling Spanish at me from the TV.