Fart Patrol

I finally got to go home!  I was really nauseous and dizzy after the surgery, so they kept me until I felt better.  I still don’t feel great, but better than a few days ago.  Leave it to me to turn an outpatient procedure into a two day hospital stay.

So, I realize that the content of this blog has been a little gallbladder heavy lately.  I do apologize.  For any new readers (**Knock, knock – hello out there**) I usually don’t dwell on my organs.  However, since this is a blog about my unglamorous life and I just got out of the hospital due to one particularly naughty organ – I think I’ll talk about it some more.  Maybe tomorrow will be about something other than body parts…

Recovery from surgery has been a bit rough.  Something is making me really dizzy and nauseous.  It comes and goes (no I’m not pregnant – they have given me about a zillion tests) and the stuff they gave me in the hospital didn’t really help for that long.  The car ride home was dicey.  We are getting a horrible ice and snow storm here.  Obviously my organs have wonderful timing.  I’ve been a bit nauseous since being home, but it could be from moving around or from the pain medicine.  Who knows?  I might just feel like this for the rest of my life.  Wouldn’t that be peachy?

The pain hasn’t been horrible.  I told the doctor that it feels like someone beat the crap out of me and then stole an organ.  She said that she kind of did, so that’s normal.  Seriously, it feels like I did about 6000 crunches – assuming I know what 6000 crunches feels like.  Hell, I’m assuming I know what 4 crunches feel like.  I have 5 little incisions on my belly.  Get this – they were closed with glue.  So, my innards are being held in with super glue.  I hope I don’t sneeze and pop one open.  That could get ugly.

Last night was long.  I woke up at one point because my arm with the IV felt all puffy.  Turns out my IV had infiltrated.  So, it had to be removed.  They tried to give me oral pain meds on a really empty stomach.  Horrible idea.  I got super sick.  Another IV had to be started, which took an act of God because my veins suck and don’t like being stuck.  I’m like a giant pin cushion.  I know what you are thinking – ‘Lisa, you are one sexy beast’.  I can tell you are totally jealous of my life right now…

The doctor told us that in order to be discharged I have to tolerate food (see above) and fart.  To remove a gallbladder, they pump up your belly full of air so there’s room to work.  The air is just hanging out in there now.  The only way out … you guessed it!  For those of you that know me, it is safe to assume that farting would not be a problem for me.  Well, Alex took it upon himself to be on official fart patrol.  If I would so much as clear my throat he would look at me excitedly and ask if I ripped one.  He took his job very seriously.  I was going potty and out came a little, bitty, delicate fart.  I can assure you, it was extremely feminine.  We celebrated!  I thought that I was in the clear.  I was laying in my bed and felt another delicate urge to break wind, so I did.  WRONG.  Turns out that your diarrhea doesn’t go away the minute they take your gallbladder out.  I pooped all over the place.  It was horribly embarrassing.  Alex had to clean me up because I couldn’t move.  Thank God for understanding husbands.  He made me promise to wipe his ass if the time ever came.  The nurse had to change my sheets and gown.  I felt so stupid.  She assured me that it happens all the time (don’t you feel bad for her?) – I still felt like a big sloppy idiot.  I mean, seriously, who sharts all over their hospital bed?

The one on the right is my surgeon.




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